While trying to calm Zane down last night, I caught myself singing, “He’s got the whole world in His hands.”
He’s got the whole world in His hands . . .
He’s got the little bitty baby in his hands . . .
He’s got you and me brother in his hands . . .
He’s got you and me sister in His hands . . .
Such simple lyrics, right? But how many times had I sung the words to that song in Sunday school, and as a child, never realized the full impact of what they mean? Here I am, some twenty years later and now, as an adult, I finally get it.
Yesterday, we had a post-placement meeting with Zane’s birth mother. This isn’t necessarily a standard practice, but she was passing through on her way back to college and wanted to see him one more time. I think, if for no other reason, to set her mind at ease that he is in good hands. It was a really good meeting. She held him, fed him and changed his diaper. All the while, we talked about the last 5 days, had a few good laughs and spent several minutes just staring at Zane.
There were no tears shed this time (not in the meeting with her anyway), but when we left, we were filled with emotion as we read a letter that she had written to Zane explaining her feelings and why she gave him up for adoption. She asked us to share the information in this letter with Zane at age appropriate stages in his life. While reading her letter, so many of my thoughts about this adoption were re-inforced.. Many of them were thoughts that I mentioned in a tribute to birth parents back on Jan. 23 (click here to read that entry):
1. That this was a selfless decision made out of love.
2. That she had her baby’s best interests at heart.
3. That Zane was destined for our family.
4. That God’s hand was in it all along.
I’d like to share some of the things that she wrote to Zane:
I love you. More than words can describe. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would not take back one moment of your existence. God’s plan for our lives, no matter how strange or unexpected, always leads to a positive result . . . The decision to give you to Rachel and Tyson was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. To me, logically, it seemed like they could give you everything I wished I could give you – a loving family, with a mom and dad, stable finances, and a house with a yard and a dog. Before you were born, I chose them with God’s help . . . I met your parents, Rachel and Tyson for the first time on Friday, January 18th. [Of all the families I considered], your parents were willing to take one of the biggest risks ever. They were willing to take you home from the hospital before all the paper work was completed, knowing that if I changed my mind and decided to keep you, they would have to give you back. To me, being willing to risk all that heart ache just so you did not have to go home to some foster family, was amazing. So on Tuesday, January 15th, I chose to meet Rachel and Tyson and make sure that I felt comfortable with them. We met at 1 pm on Friday January 18th and talked for about an hour. The whole time you were still and peaceful, something that didn’t happen very often. After meeting with them, I felt a big relief because I knew I had just met the people to whom I would be entrusting the care of my first baby. When I got home, God and I had a talk and I told him that everything was taken care of and that whenever He was ready, I was ready to give birth to you. Oddly enough, you were born the next day. [I wished I could keep you] but that wasn’t God’s plan. God created you especially for Rachel and Tyson and He has chosen me to be the messenger . . . I stuck with my decision because I knew it was going to be the best for you. I pray for you many times a day . . . and I know that Rachel and Tyson will love you just as much as I do, and I know that they will take wonderful care of you and raise you to be a wonderful child of God. Please know that I love you so very much and that is why I made the decision to give you up for adoption.
I truly believe that God had this in His plan all along – that Zane was destined to be our little boy – and this letter from Zane’s birth mother reassured me of that. But the whole thing had to happen in God’s timing, not in ours. That’s easy to see now because hindsight is 20/20, but in the midst of the storm it is so hard sometimes to know that he is there watching over us and whispering, “Peace, be still”.
I’m a very impatient person so that is an especially difficult thing for me to accept. I usually pray my prayers as if I am the master of my own universe – as if I know what God should do for me and when He should do it. Through this journey, He has proven himself faithful. He has brought Rachel and I closer together, but at the same time, He has built our faith, taught us patience, shown us the importance of relying on Him, and proved that he really does have the whole world (and the little bitty baby and you and me) in His hands.