So the other day somebody asked me, “Do you love Zane?” My first inclination was to immediately say, “yes, of course!!” (you know . . . because I’m supposed to love my own son), but I didn’t say that. I actually had to stop and think about it for a minute. The more I thought about it, the more I was unsure of whether or not “love” was the right word for what I feel for Zane. I mean I like him a lot, I’m glad he’s here, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him (evident from what I clean off of his backside 6 times a day). I guess in a way, that is love, but I’m not sure that the “feelings” of love are there yet.. Is that bad? I think maybe I understand a small part of what women who have postpartum depression go through. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not depressed, in fact, far from it. It’s just that I don’t feel for Zane, what I thought I would feel.
The other day, I was looking at him and I realized what a huge responsibility he is, and I couldn’t quite believe that he belongs to me. The thought of that is just so overwhelming. Combine that with the fact that he’s only 8 days old and I guess I understand why I don’t feel some overwhelming sense of emotion for him. I mean, he doesn’t really “do” anything yet. He just eats, sleeps and poops. Every time I think he likes me, I realizing he’s just smiling because he’s making a number 2. Have a look at the following pictures and you’ll see what I mean:
I look at this and I think . . . "Oh sooo cute, he likes me"
then it turns into this and I think . . . "Is he smiling at me?"
Nope. Just pooping! Kind of disappointing.
So after a really long rant, I’m starting to realize that, yes I do love him, but not perhaps in the way that most people interpret the word, “love”. I don’t love him in the sense of having an overwhelming feeling of emotion for him. But in the end, love isn’t a feeling anyway, is it? I mean, Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” Love is about what you do for people regardless of how you feel about them. And the truth is, I would do anything for Zane. So to answer my friend’s question, “Yes, I love my son, but I don’t FEEL love for him yet.” I think once Zane starts responding specifically to things that we do (smiling, laughing, etc.), the feelings will come. Until then, I’ll just “show” him unconditional love.
